Sunday, May 24, 2009

102009 AD: SAVING MEN FROM MASS EXTINCTION!

In India's countryside, one sight that is common across the country is of the majestic Indian bull, called "saandh" in Hindi, generally lazing around doing nothing. Fed by villagers, the sole job of this animal, distinguished by its magnificent hump, is to mate with cows. In the cities, of course, you can spot many two-legged versions of the "saandhs" in various government departments. Since they too have little to do except feed off the government, they are popularly called "sarkari saandhs", government bulls. Of course, they don't get to mate 'cows'. But what the hell, the whole country is theirs to screw!

A genetic expert has recently warned that men are on the road to extinction since the Y chromosome that distinguishes men from women is deteriorating and is likely to disappear, not in a hurry though; a world without men might be a reality only after 125,000 years. That seems to be a long time, but the signs are already there. Sperm counts have fallen by a huge 20% in the last 50 years. Do the math.

Notwithstanding increasing cases of same sex relationships and marriages, which the Church and Sarah Palin frown upon as unnatural, no one can deny that without men, the world will be a terribly dull place. Imagine a Hillary Cinton without Bill the Groper or an Angelina Jolie without Pitt the Masseur. Here in India, what would Mori be if there was no Hrithik or Ash mean(in Hindi too) if Salman was not in the frame?

But, if Professor Bryan Sykes of Oxford University is to believed, there will come that time when there will only women on the planet. Now that is going to be very boring indeed. With no guys to fight over, no 'equality' issues, sexist remarks or sexual discrimination in the work place to rant about, and no domestic violence and cruelty to cry over, there will be very little left to talk! How much can women bitch about each other unless there is a guy to inflame them? And, since there will be only women around, fashion houses and lingerie and cosmetic manufacturers will have to reinvent themselves, places of pleasure and FTV will have to shut shop and the porn industry will all but disappear.

In 102009 AD, a hundred thousand years from now, 25,000 years before they vanish altogether, men will still be there but very few. There will be panic all round and no hi-tech solution in sight to the Y crisis, despite thousands of years of effort and many trillion dollars down the drain. Laboratories will be busy collecting as much of the virtually sperm-less seminal fluid that will be available then from unwilling, bored and exhausted last men still standing, to create a bank of Y chromosome bearing sperms that will be made available to equally bored and frustrated women. There will not be too many ladies excited about the idea of getting impregnated by the mere touch of sperm on their arm, no matter how sophisticated the simple-looking and painless procedure. Of course there will be women around even then who will argue passionately that men are not needed at all and that an all-women world will be a great place to live in. "Down with Y Banks" they will shout, saying that it was shocking that even after 100,000 years of evolution, women should still be wanting to give birth to a baby boy!

The battle for saving man will appear to be a losing one, no solution in sight. Suddenly, an Indian will dig out long lost archives and re-discover a low-cost "saandh" solution to ensure that men not only do not disappear altogether but even begin growing in numbers.

All men will be treated like the real "saandhs", the bulls, are today. They will be fed, clothed and taken care of by women who will become the new "worker bees" for their "King bees". That will the time to be a man. Every need met and nothing to do. Except mate. With as many and as often as possible, helped enormously by a new version of Viagra that will make priapism painless. That will keep the 'cows' and the 'bulls' very happy and very busy. And give women even more reasons to want to have baby boys and avoid baby girls. A G-pill consumed orally will automatically detect and destroy a foetus that does not have a Y chromosome. That will ensure that only a male child is born, no matter how many thousands of pleasurable attempts it takes for the almost extinct Y chromosome to touch base.

Gradually, the male population will increase, and after 25,000 years of great fun, men, instead of becoming totally extinct, will be back in numbers in full force, restoring the sex ratio to 1:1. And the world be back to the 'happy' equilibrium that it is in now! Scientists need to learn a thing or two from the great Indian Bull.