MOVE OVER LSP, INDIA NEEDS LJP!

They are rich, they are famous, they are powerful. Their debating skills are unbeatable, their ability to twist facts unparalleled, their talent for dramatising the mundane unmatched. Their ideology is as flexible as a snake’s spine, ethics never seem to hold them up, money drives them crazy.

Together, they have everything that it takes to make the most explosive political combination India has ever seen. If ever there was an opportunity for them to lead the India of their, repeat their, dreams, it is now, what with Congress falling apart and BJP trying harder to fall faster and lower.

Move over poverty-stricken, value-driven LSP, – Lok Satta Party – your time is up at the starting block itself. Jayaprakash Narayan, the studios gave you air time but plain air was never going to get your political plane to fly. The fuel of values – probity, integrity, unity – that you put into the tank was never going to get it to even taxi on the runway. You were destined to remain in the hangar of your imagination while others were making their ‘Dreamliner’ built of and fuelled by stuff that the ‘unsuccessful’ secretly envy – that’s what they say – but publicly deride. All that they need to do now is to paint and unveil their gleaming machine. And unleash it on a despondent India.

Imagine Kaapi Zibal, I Cheetambaram, A-one Jeetley, Mu-salman Khurshit, Sookshma So-raj, Annoy Roy, Shikhar Gupt and Radias Hajdeep Sardard, Pir Sanghi and Burka Butt on a political stage, each others' hands firmly clasped and raised high in solidarity, nay, victory. The Terrific (Terrifying, if you are still awake) Ten Together! What an electrifying picture! one that will drive every television channel and newspaper to multiple orgasms of an intensity never witnessed ever, not even when Mahatma Gandhi picked up a fistful of salt in Dandi or when Nehru raised free India’s flag for the first time in Delhi.

India is ready for the LJP – the Lawyer Journo Party – the first such political outfit formally launched anywhere in the world, the first such official acknowledgement of the clout of opponents and adversaries who are effectively running India together, while pretending to be at each others’ throats. Lawyers fake-fighting lawyers in different parties, journos doing the same with journos in different media houses and also lawyer-politicians -- what a waste of quality hamam and precious national time.

Come on guys, give us this exciting party, a party with a real difference, a party that will party better than Vijay Mallya, fly higher than Kingfisher, and even make all poor Indians rich. By setting and selling a sexy “Zero” Poverty Line! Tell us why corruption is cool and how this nation is actually becoming richer faster due to multi-billion dollar scams because the corrupt are saints engaged in creating wealth for the country! Expose the honest who outrage only because they are jealous of the rich and do not have it in them to do anything constructive for India. Celebrate those who have billions in Swiss banks as great Indians who have saved all that money only for India and will bring it back the moment India needs it badly enough to beg them for it. Above all, present yourselves as the finest examples of India's genius for making money.

No existing political party will stand a chance in front of LJP! With the best legal and media minds working together in the political and media landscape to paint India in the most vivid and beautiful of colours, even as they laugh all the way to Swiss vaults, the new well edited India will start looking classier than a K Jo film, and those shouting “Lies, Lies” will be removed like black-and-white irritants of the silent film era. In this 24/7 movie, the hidden India will also quietly move up, though slowly – if the corrupt get so much richer, so will their maids and drivers. A raise of a hundred for every million is fair, no? – after all, how much do these poor people need, and what for?

The only problem – and this is almost insurmountable – with the launch of the LJP is the one that bedevils the Congress (after Rahul’s failure) and the BJP: who should be PM?

A-one Jeetley won’t give up his burning desire for Annoy Roy, no matter how much how much the latter may have pushed for him as a Bekaar Jhagdaalu Party (BJP) candidate. Why will 200 IQ Cheetambaram leave it all for the less gifted? Hajdeep Sardard tripped Roy once (Annoying him forever), will trip anyone given a chance, whatever it takes. Burka Butt has had enough of asking “What should I...?”; she would want to be the one telling now – doesn’t she have the highest numbers of followers on Twitter after Pir Sanghi who is, for now, in no position to claim the post, but won’t accept anyone else in that chair? Sookshma So-raj, for long in the shadow of Jeetley, would rather remain in BJP than let any one of them overtake her. Shikhar Gupt is not one to be underestimated by anyone anywhere, and Mu-salman Khurshit has The Trump Card that even Buka can’t use against him! Kaapi Zibal may have nothing going for him, but the magician with Zero will not just throw in the towel!

Can The Terrific Ten, then, not agree to becoming PMs by rotation for, say, six months at a time? No one will want to be the last one to take the shot – little juice and much headache will be left for him and, worse, he might never get there at all, as someone is bound to try and stay on and trip the rest!

Avarice is such a bitch.

There will be, alas, no LJP, it seems. India ain’t so, so lucky. It has to keep suffering them all where they are, just as they are!
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ARNIE FOR PRESIDENT; INDIA EXCITED!

This must be music to many Indian ears. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting ready to become the President, not of the United States, but of Austria! Surprised? US law prohibits anyone not born in the country from occupying the Oval Office. Arnie was born in Austria and continues to hold an Austrian passport along with his US citizenship. As per a report, he could well become the President of the country he was born in as early as next year, after his term as Governor expires. "I'll be back...as President". This is what he has told his home country, in response to requests from politicians there that he should stand in the 2010 Presidential election.

This news has sent waves of excitement in India, Italy and the rest of the world where persons of Indian origin live. The possibilities that Arnie has unleashed are endless.

Sonia Gandhi, for example, could be the next to be asked to become the PM of the country where she was born. Decades of experience in managing Indian politicians have given her a priceless advantage. Besides there is no danger whatsoever of an Italian Sushma Swaraj threatening to shave her head and live on grams if Sonia becomes the PM of that country. Italian women have far better things to do. To cap it, Silvio Berlsconi has enough problems on his hands, not the least of which is his unusual interest in an 18 year old girl who even spent a week at his villa, and the fact that his wife is filing for divorce. All Sonia needs to do is go to Italy and make an Arnie-like announcement.

Just imagine the pride that will puff Indian chests if Sonia become the PM of Italy and Rahul of India, with Priyanka ready and waiting for any one or both the jobs!

There is great excitement among ordinary NRIs too. There are many potential Arnies in the US, the most prominent being Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. He must now seriously start working on becoming India's PM should he fail to make it to the White House. Hang on. He could even do it the other way round. He could become India's PM and then, at just the right moment, jet right back to the US where he was born and run for President! As it is, the BJP is in the throes of an unprecedented crisis, with not a leader in sight. The party could project him as their next "mazboot" neta. And since he has converted to Christianity, he would just be the secular face that the party needs to reinvent itself!

Sons and daugthers of Indian politicians are most heartened by this news. Now they don't have to go to the US to just mark time till papa calls them back to become MPs. They can actually get into US politics and then make the switch to India when they hit the ceiling there. In fact, Indian politicians have already started planning on sending their pregnant wives to the US in future to get US-born kids so that they become eligible to hit the top job in both countries! Since the US allows only two terms to a President, an NRI US President can then come back to India and rule it as PM till his sons/daughters are ready to step into his shoes, preferably in both countries!

Arnie may be opening the door but it is Indians who will eventually make sure that the US gets "Bangalored" in politics too! India will rule the world. Instead of the likes of Laloo and his groin-scratching friends, there will then be smart US born and bred politicians and leaders and other beautiful people gracing your and my TV screens 24/7. English will become India's national language. Rich Indians will be respected and welcomed across the globe. In the middle of all this excitement, the ecstatic aam aadmi will, of course, continue to remain where he is meant to be, unseen and unheard, except at election time. Bliss.

102009 AD: SAVING MEN FROM MASS EXTINCTION!

In India's countryside, one sight that is common across the country is of the majestic Indian bull, called "saandh" in Hindi, generally lazing around doing nothing. Fed by villagers, the sole job of this animal, distinguished by its magnificent hump, is to mate with cows. In the cities, of course, you can spot many two-legged versions of the "saandhs" in various government departments. Since they too have little to do except feed off the government, they are popularly called "sarkari saandhs", government bulls. Of course, they don't get to mate 'cows'. But what the hell, the whole country is theirs to screw!

A genetic expert has recently warned that men are on the road to extinction since the Y chromosome that distinguishes men from women is deteriorating and is likely to disappear, not in a hurry though; a world without men might be a reality only after 125,000 years. That seems to be a long time, but the signs are already there. Sperm counts have fallen by a huge 20% in the last 50 years. Do the math.

Notwithstanding increasing cases of same sex relationships and marriages, which the Church and Sarah Palin frown upon as unnatural, no one can deny that without men, the world will be a terribly dull place. Imagine a Hillary Cinton without Bill the Groper or an Angelina Jolie without Pitt the Masseur. Here in India, what would Mori be if there was no Hrithik or Ash mean(in Hindi too) if Salman was not in the frame?

But, if Professor Bryan Sykes of Oxford University is to believed, there will come that time when there will only women on the planet. Now that is going to be very boring indeed. With no guys to fight over, no 'equality' issues, sexist remarks or sexual discrimination in the work place to rant about, and no domestic violence and cruelty to cry over, there will be very little left to talk! How much can women bitch about each other unless there is a guy to inflame them? And, since there will be only women around, fashion houses and lingerie and cosmetic manufacturers will have to reinvent themselves, places of pleasure and FTV will have to shut shop and the porn industry will all but disappear.

In 102009 AD, a hundred thousand years from now, 25,000 years before they vanish altogether, men will still be there but very few. There will be panic all round and no hi-tech solution in sight to the Y crisis, despite thousands of years of effort and many trillion dollars down the drain. Laboratories will be busy collecting as much of the virtually sperm-less seminal fluid that will be available then from unwilling, bored and exhausted last men still standing, to create a bank of Y chromosome bearing sperms that will be made available to equally bored and frustrated women. There will not be too many ladies excited about the idea of getting impregnated by the mere touch of sperm on their arm, no matter how sophisticated the simple-looking and painless procedure. Of course there will be women around even then who will argue passionately that men are not needed at all and that an all-women world will be a great place to live in. "Down with Y Banks" they will shout, saying that it was shocking that even after 100,000 years of evolution, women should still be wanting to give birth to a baby boy!

The battle for saving man will appear to be a losing one, no solution in sight. Suddenly, an Indian will dig out long lost archives and re-discover a low-cost "saandh" solution to ensure that men not only do not disappear altogether but even begin growing in numbers.

All men will be treated like the real "saandhs", the bulls, are today. They will be fed, clothed and taken care of by women who will become the new "worker bees" for their "King bees". That will the time to be a man. Every need met and nothing to do. Except mate. With as many and as often as possible, helped enormously by a new version of Viagra that will make priapism painless. That will keep the 'cows' and the 'bulls' very happy and very busy. And give women even more reasons to want to have baby boys and avoid baby girls. A G-pill consumed orally will automatically detect and destroy a foetus that does not have a Y chromosome. That will ensure that only a male child is born, no matter how many thousands of pleasurable attempts it takes for the almost extinct Y chromosome to touch base.

Gradually, the male population will increase, and after 25,000 years of great fun, men, instead of becoming totally extinct, will be back in numbers in full force, restoring the sex ratio to 1:1. And the world be back to the 'happy' equilibrium that it is in now! Scientists need to learn a thing or two from the great Indian Bull.