RAHUL-SPEAK: HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND NOT INFLUENCE PEOPLE

All political parties are jittery about the election results. No one knows which buttons are being pressed by the voters. Brave statements about how well they all are doing are becoming routine. Occasionally, however, nerves give way and truth manages to escape the lips of even seasoned politicians. If it was Sushma Swaraj of the BJP who had earlier given away the apprehension of the party that the NDA will not be able to touch the half-way mark on it own, a couple of days back it was Digvijay Singh of the Congress, frustrated perhaps by the infighting in the Congress in Madhya Pradesh, who blurted that the Congress was ready to sit in opposition.

Sitting in the opposition is the worst nightmare for any party. But it is worse than that for a party that has ruled the country for a long, long time. So, it was no surprise that the Congress unleashed its Crown Prince to reassure the nation that it was the Congress indeed that was coming back to power. Rahul Gandhi duly held a conference where he let out a few priceless gems that had the Left and the BJP bristling with anger and sarcasm. To cool rising temperatures and clear all confusion, it was decided that Rahul Gandhi would address a secret "politician conference" where only politicians would be allowed.

Although that conference is yet to be held, what is going to transpire in it appeared in advance in my dream last night. Here are some excerpts of that dream conference that I can still recall:

Rahul Gandhi: Good morning to all of you. Let me say at outset that the Congress is fighting these elections to win. Digvijay was just airing his frustration. Pay no attention. It is the BJP which will sit in the opposition.

Arun Jaitley: How can you form the government? The UPA has disintegrated in UP and Bihar and is doing badly in Tamil Nadu, Andhra Pradesh; in fact everywhere.

Rahul Gandhi: Our allies are firmly with us, even if they appear not to be. The real fact is that there is no NDA. It exists only in the mind of the BJP.

Prakash Karat: Laloo Yadav, Ram Vilas Paswan and Mulayam Yadav are going to be with the Third Front. We are going to form a non-BJP, non-Congress government. Why don't you support us?

Rahul Gandhi: Get 180 seats first. Otherwise you have no choice but to support our government led by Dr Manmohan Singh.

Prakash Karat: Wah beta! You want us to support you even though you want to defeat us with the help of that horrible Mamata Bannerjee ? You think we are so foolish? You are eventually going to land in the middle of nowhere.

Rahul Gandhi: You will have no option. After all you wouldn't want to see a BJP government! Don’t you think we know that?

Mamata Bannerjee: I have been observing you play your double-game Rahul baba. Just see what I do to you after the elections. You think you can sleep with the me and flirt with my arch enemy and still expect me to be your friend?

Arun Jaitley: Mamata ji come back home to the NDA.

Rahul Gandhi: Your communal party has only hate on its mind. The Congress, on the other hand, believes in sending love to all.

Laloo Yadav: What has love to do with politics? It is all about caste combination. My love is only for Rabri.

Rahul Gandhi: Nitish Kumar is doing a good job in Bihar.

Ram Vilas Paswan: Then why are you fighting against him?

Rahul Gandhi: You are also fighting against us. If you and Laloo can still can be part of UPA and continue to be Ministers most shamelessly, why can Nitish not join the party?

Laloo Yadav: Nitish Kumar is no good. What has he done for Bihar? For fifteen years I sent maximum number of Biharis out of the state to look for jobs. Can anyone create so many opportunities outside Bihar for Biharis? But for me, would anyone have even heard of Raj Thackeray?

Rahul Gandhi: Chadrababu Naidu also did a great job in Andhra Pradesh when he was CM. I have visited Hyderabad. He has made it better than even Delhi.

Arun Jaitley: You really are politically immature. Have you forgotten that your party led by YSR Reddy is fighting against Naidu there?

Rahul Gandhi: I wish I could....er... we are going to sweep Andhra. At least that is what our friendly channel NDTV is saying. You are needlessly reading too much into what I am saying. Your party knows only hate. Even Jayalalitha was an excellent CM. And I have not forgotten that my father signed the Assam Accord with the AGP.

Dayanidhi Maran: This time, Karunanidhi is your ally Tamil Nadu, not Jayalalitha, Rahul. And in Assam, you are fighting the AGP which is with BJP!

Rahul Gandhi: You need to develop some foresight. Can't you see even a fortnight ahead? No wonder you got into trouble with Karunanidhi.

Sharad Pawar: Bal Thackeray is a wonderful man.

Rahul Gandhi: I think so too...but you have to make him turn "secular" like Naveen Patnaik by getting him to leave the BJP and join the UPA.

Sharad Pawar: Then you will have to make me PM.

Rahul Gandhi: Get 180 seats and take that chair.

Prakash Karat: Sharad ji, leave the arrogant Congress and come over to the Third Front. You never know what you might become!

Mayawati: Do you all think that I am going to sit idly by and watch someone else become the PM?

Rahul Gandhi: Mayawati is dong well as CM. In fact it was we who we helped her in the assembly elections to end the 'goonda raj' of the Samajwadi party.

Mayawati: And how did you help me?

Rahul Gandhi: By breaking our alliance with Mulayam at the last minute.

Mayawati: That was because you were ill advised that you would charm the people of UP and get a lot of seats. But the people thrashed you and your party virtually disappeared!

Mulayam Yadav: Is this your gratitude for all the help we gave you to save your government and get the Nuclear Deal through? You double crosser, you have ditched us again.

Rahul Gandhi: No, no. You were a good CM also. And Amar Singh is such a fine gentleman. You can’t be held responsible if some criminals misuse your name, can you?

Mayawati: Where Mulayam is, Mayawati cannot be.

Rahul Gandhi: I know, I know. So now the issue that we have to resolve is which one of you is going to be in the government and which one is going to support it from outside.

Praksh Karat: Don't listen to him. Come to me. After all, in a Parliamentary form of government, the PM is only the first among equals. We are all equal. All of us will become PMs in rotation. No heartburn.

Rahul Gandhi: Don't be misled by him, the Left will get only 30 seats. Come one, come all. Join the UPA!

Arun Jaitley: It gives me great pleasure to see a Gandhi going around begging everyone so helplessly.

Rahul Gandhi: Had the Congress been in a position to form a government on its own, do you think I would have even looked at these inferior creatures? Remember it was my father who had called the then National Front "National Affront". If I had the seats, I would have been calling this Third Front what I think it actually is.

Sharad Pawar: And what is it actually?

Rahul Gandhi: Third-rate Front

Arun Jaitley: What about the Fourth Front?

Rahul Gandhi: I can't use the "F" word in public, can I?

Nitish Kumar: Then why don't you ask for BJP's support?

Rahul Gandhi: We have nothing in common with them. They do Gujarat, they beat women in Mangalore and they burn Churches in Orissa.

Nitish Kumar: Come on, we all know what the Congress did in Delhi, Bhagalpur, Nellie...

Rahul Gandhi: I know, I know, but tell me how can I ally with the only party that has become bigger than the Congress and is ruling in 11 states? How can I forget that once it had just two MPs and we had 400 plus! It hurts.

Nitish Kumar: What about Akali dal?

Rahul Gandhi: Impossible. They killed my grandmother. Just forget these two. All others are welcome.

Mamata Banerjee: Your treacherous flirtation with the Left is simply unacceptable. I am walking out.

Prakash Karat: You have destroyed us in West Bengal in collusion with Mamata. And now you want us to help you? Forget it. Good bye.

Laloo Yadav: You want Nitish? Go to him and forget about me. I am off. Come along Mulayam ji. We Yadavs will teach the Congress a lesson.

Ram Vilas Paswan: I cannot be with a party that is with Nitish. Laloo ji I am coming too...till the BJP or someone else calls for me. I want to be the next Rail Minister, no matter who forms the government. I have been eying that 'Soney ki chidiya' for a long time.

Nitish Kumar: How many times do I have to tell you, jug head, that I am not leaving the NDA. You think I am so foolish that I will risk my job as CM just to put you in power?

Arun Jaitley: Come one, come all. Let's all go to Advani ji.

Mayawati: In or out, I cannot be with Mulayam. I am off too.

Jayalalitha: I asked you before the elections to dump DMK and join me. You didn't. How can you expect me to throw my considerable weight behind you now? Get lost.

Chandrababu Naidu: Do you think I am so foolish that I will cut my feet in my state to give you power in Delhi? Go hug YSR. And take some "Satyam" money from him.

Sharad Pawar: Excuse me. I have to go and discuss the situation with other friends. All options are open.

Amar Singh: I will be with you, no matter how weak we both might be.

Rahul Gandhi: Thank you Amar ji. I came here to win friends and influence people, but there are only two of us left in this room.

Amar Singh: Do I have a choice left after the mauling that I know I am going to get in UP?

Rahul Gandhi: I feel so sad. I wish Karat had stayed back to listen to my bold and fool-proof plan to defeat terror in 15 minutes.

Amar Singh: Really? Tell me.

Rahul Gandhi: All we have to do is empower villagers. Then we can sit back and relax and we will destroy it in 15 minutes.

Amar Singh: (speechless, long open-mouthed pause) Tell me, how many MPs do you want me to "get" from other parties to allow you to form the government?

Rahul Gandhi: Ah, we are talking business at last. Let's move to 10 Janpath.

Amar Singh: Not so fast Rahul baba. I have one small request.

Rahul Gandhi: Tell me, tell me.

Amar Singh: Mulayam Yadav should be made PM.

Rahul Gandhi: Looks like I have no choice, do I?

Amar Singh: Also, now that you have successfully annoyed and lost all your friends, it is not going to be easy for me to get 160-170 additional MPs, you know.

Rahul Gandhi: So?

Amar Singh: I will manage... but you will have to compensate me by making me Finance Minister.

Rahul Gandhi: Oh God! What I have got myself into? I should have listened to mom and kept mum.

Amar Singh: Rahul baba, when you are as weak as you are, then you cannot talk like your grandmother used to. You are still a bachcha. Mulayam Yadav was right, after all!

Rahul Gandhi: You know nothing. My many fawning fans in the media will still make me appear most intelligent and also find meanings in my words which even I never dreamt of. I don't need you, they will make me PM. We haven't been giving Padma awards and more to so many dim wits and worse for nothing!

Amar Singh: You run to your mother now...you have left me with no choice but to unleash Munnabhai on you again...your mom killed his father and your police tortured him when he was in jail...let me see who can make you or Manmohan PM.
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